joyfulthoughts

I feel like I have created a incredible maintance magic spell  that protects and guides me. And it’s keeping me at 128 or 129 which is perfect for me. I do a weighed food plan, most of the time.

  Being I am a food aholic and can’t stop my drug of choice (food) like other aholics can I find weighing my food creates a strong magic spell. So strong that whenever I think of deviating from what’s best for me my fairy angels kindly say (sweetie, that choice will break your magic spell). AND no way do I want to break the magic spell that surrounds me. In fact I want to live under it for ever and ever.

The first food plan I was on I called the Lists, it consist of three lists: a Yellow List, a No Matter What Red List and a Green List. The Yellow List, the caution list, was very long and I had on it anything that I could think of that keeps me from being Joyfully thin around food. The No Matter What Red List started out very short. I called it the No Matter What List and whatever I put on that list not eat No Matter What. The Green is the teaching list. On this list will be things that will contribute to the making of a Joyfully thin me.The following is a copy of my first Yellow List to give you some ideas of the types of things that can be on this list. No sugar (for me, sugar needs to be fifth on the ingredient label before I can eat the item without it triggering my addiction)
No honey
No crackers
No nuts
No white flour
No snacking between meals
No eating before 6 AM
Not eating after 7 PM
No Pizza places
No Taco places
No Buffets
No Eating in the car

Now for my Red List. The Red List is what I call the “No Matter What” list. Whatever I put on my Red List, I was not going to do, just for today, No Matter What. I kept this list very short. In the beginning, my No Matter What Red List had only sugar on it. (this item was taken from my yellow list)
Before I began my journey, I really felt that if I did not eat whatever my brain was telling me to eat I would die. I’m somewhat embarrassed to even admit, . Now I know it was not me; but my disease/addict commanding me to believe I could not live without whatever she wanted me to eat.The Green List
The Green is the teaching list. On this list I put things that would contribute to  helping me become Joyfully Thin.Here is one of the things on my first My GREEN List - 
 
1. Drink an eight-ounce glass of water ten to fifteen minutes before each meal. The reason for this is two fold; one, it takes approximately fifteen minutes for your stomach to start feeling full. Most of us being fast eaters, we can devour a lot of food before realizing we are full. Thus, the water will aid us in accomplishing a fuller feeling as we begin our meal. The other reason is that it’s difficult for our bodies to tell the difference between hunger and thirst. Therefore, it’s important to keep hydrated. (It makes me wonder how often in the past I ate when what my body really wanted was water.)2, Eat veggies at both lunch and dinner. And for me corn and peas did not count. Often I would eat them first, because it just seemed to work better that way.

 
 This is the way I worked the lists.
My Red List is the No Matter What List. And No Matter What, for any given twenty-four hours, I would not eat what I had put on that List.  Remember My red list only had sugar on it in the beginning.
 
MyYellow List has more than one use. On most days I stayed away from my red and yellow lists. But on difficult days I ate things off my yellow list in order to stay out of the red list.Then I did the things on the green list. This work for many years and got me off sugar ( I will talk more about my getting off sugar journey soon)

Now join me as I share about my recovery

One of the first things I had to come to terms with was that most, if not all, of what I was doing with my food was not working. My food life was unmanageable. Food was controlling me; it was my master. Later I came to know that most of my life, not just the food, was not being managed very well.In the beginning of my journey, I thought I was fighting myself, and I had to stop myself from wanting to eat everything that was not locked away. Then I realized that I was not fighting myself, but my food addict. I really wanted to eat healthy and be a normal size and not spend every waking hour thinking of food. I was letting my addict rob me of everything that “could” have been precious to me… my health, my family and my life.

At first, I even felt sorry for the food addict in me because , I thought, she felt she would die if she did not eat, eat, and eat. Then I started wondering why I was feeling sorry for her (which I choose to call her) when what she wanted was for me to suffer and ultimately die. Believe me, if I had continued the way I was, that’s what would have happened.
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When I was in the food, I was like the ball in the pinball machine, but I did not realize it until I was out of the food. I really was exactly like that ball, which does not have a life and neither did I. I was being controlled and at the whim of whatever was going on around me, just like that ball is at the mercy of the “pinball wizard.” I never acted on anything ever in my whole life until I started my recovery journey; all I did was re-act to things. During that time I thought I had a life, but in hindsight, I see I was just being propelled by whatever was going on in my life. This wasn’t any way to live. I feel like I’m one of the lucky ones since through trial and error, I found the way out. If you’ll let me, maybe I can help you skip some of the trial and error and benefit from what I have learned over the last 19 years. I have done most of my recovery journey in Overeaters Anonymous. I will celebrate 23 years in that program this summerThis is what my life looked like at that time. I would diet, get smaller, and go buy new clothes (but the only time the clothes would fit was when I was in the dressing room). Two minutes after I left the dressing room, I would be on my way back up and the clothes would not fit anymore. (I would keep the clothes for a few months anticipating weight loss, then finally give the like-new clothes to a second had store. Now I shop at second hand stores buying those nearly new clothes I used to give away.

I will continue to share with you my other parts of my journey especially my steps forward and my steps sideways. (I don’t do steps backwards anymore:))

The more full I became, the more I wanted to eat. I was involved in a never-ending search for the magic food that would fill the empty spot inside me. I could never get enough. I would eat until I was sick, then pass out and wake up and eat some more. I’ve never in my whole life tasted anything that was too rich for me; I could always eat tons of anything.

From about the ages of 13 to 33, when I started my food recovery, all my waking and many of my sleeping hours were spent in a life threatening battle between primarily two thoughts: one is how to get food, and the other how to stay away from it. For me, one was just as dangerous as the other because both blocked out what life is really about, which is those I love.

A little about me

Going to restaurants, especially with others, used to be so embarrassing. I was always done way before everyone else, even when I tried to eat slowly. Sometimes others would even make comments about how fast I ate. They would say things like, “Are you done already?” or “Boy, you eat fast!” It would make me feel such shame. But I really did not have the power to eat slowly.
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When I was in high school I dieted constantly, I never felt like I belonged, I was forever fighting to stay out of the food jumping from one crazy diet to another. I was so out of step, so lost. I think of high school as a song, one that everyone but me knew backwards and forwards. For me, if I knew the tune, I didn’t know the words and if I knew the words, I didn’t know the tune, It would have been easier for me, if I had not known the tune or the words then I would not have been aware of how out of step I was. I would go home after school and dive into the food. I would eat things like cake mix, mixed with only water, squirting anything sweet I could find down my throat. I was the biggest cookie monster. I would make cookies and start eating the batter, when it only consisted of butter and sugar. I would have to make a double batch in order to have any to bake. Then I would eat most of those before they even cooled.
Part 2 soon

At any given time, over a million people are on a diet or starting one. I used to be included in that million, but my diets did not last long. My best diet efforts only lasted until I reached my goal weight. For the last 19 years, I have not been on even one ‘die—–it’ now I’m on a live—-it,’ a new way of living.

During my compulsive eating days, I tried everything. You name it; I tried it, spending thousands of dollars along the way. That’s why I’m writing this, in hopes that my 54-year journey (33 years in the food and 21 years out of the food) can help others avoid many of the mistakes I made. 

 Here I will share with you some of the many of the truths I have learned that have made it possible for me to stay out of the food for the past 21 years or  over 6,935 days. (Keep in mind it all started with one day.) If you keep reading, maybe your life can become a “live—–it,” too . . . What I have learned over the last 19 years is how to take my life back, that’s not quite true, I’ve learned how to get a life! My obsession with food started so early, and I believe that it denied me a “real” life until after I started my food journey 19 years ago.

Part one to follow soon

The brochure said “If you say yes to three or more of the questions, then you are probably a food addict”. When I began 19 years ago, the answer to every one of the questions for me was yes!

Do you have more than an occasional episode of binge eating?
Yes, i binged all the time. The only time i did not binge was when i was sleeping then I dreamed about it.

Do you eat when you’re not physically hungry?
Physically hungry i don’t think i have ever been really, really hungry in my life, but I alway felt like I was starving
Do you feel disgusted with yourself and/or guilt and shame after binging?
Disgusted every night when i went to sleep I prayed to not wake up.
Do you generally feel depressed?
Yes, i was either on the ceiling or in the toilet.
Do you isolate to eat?
Boy, did I, I considered me, myself and I a party of three.
Do you frequently attempt to lose weight and fail?
I tried every diet i ever hear of.
Do you eat large amounts of food throughout the day?
I could eat and eat and eat and eat, the eat some more.
Do you eat much more rapidly than others?
i even had people comment on how fast i ate.
Do you continue eating when stuffed?
Feeling stuffed just meant go lay down tell you can eat more.

Just sharing a little of my story…. Back then all there was, was storms and dark skies. Now there is mostly sunshine and even when it rains there is always rainbows.

When ever I feel irritated it’s always my fault. I can let things others do irritate me; but it’s never their fault, it’s always my fault. Since I started believing this my life has become a lot less complicated and happier. Sometimes I still forget. Then I remind myself no one can irritate you , sweetie, but yourself.

What I have found since I have started embracing this new knowledge is, I don’t stay irritated long. Because if it’s my fault I’m irritated, then I must have the power to pull myself out. I don‘t have to wait around for whoever I am irritated at to straighten up and do things my way. I just have to find something else to focus on until what ever I am letting irritate me passes.

Just thought I would share this beings I was letting my husband irritate me this morning and one of our dogs irritate me this evening. Then I remember it’s all about JOY and feeling good and being irritated is as far away from feeling good as I can get. It also makes me want to spend and eat, eat, eat.

Besides being irritated ages me twice as fast and JOY make the aging go in
SLOW-MOTION. And this girl does not mind getting older as long as she hardly shows her age. Joy is the fountain of youth.

What I’m beginning to believe is that my body is like a chemical factory, that has the ability to extract from what I eat what it wants and needs. My body has a spectacular ability to compensate. In other words physicians and scientist haven’t even begun to explore the chemistry that goes on in the digestive system of a/my human body. What scientists are not even close to understanding is that chemistry is as affected by what I’m thinking/feeling as it is by what I am eating. I truly believe my body uses food differently depending on how I am feeling when I eat.

  Here’s sort of an analogy that helped me understand and believe this new thinking I have started to embrace.

Let’s say I am taking driving lessons every single day so I can become a really proficient driver of my car. And that is all well and good but if I am not in a good mood (have a lack of good thoughts in my mind) I ought not to be driving. In other words, all the skill in the world is not going to necessarily put me in the place of being sensitive to what’s happening out there in traffic. I know this one to be true because as I look back (hindsight is 20/20) I can see that this concept caused my last wreck. At the time I blamed it on weather conditions but I drive in those weather conditions all the time. What the real problem was ……….is my mind was devoid of good thoughts……hence causing me to make a choice I would not have made if I had of been entertaining better thoughts.  I use to think it was all up to good luck now I know its all up to good thoughts/thoughts that make me feel good.

Therefore, being tuned in, tapped in, turned on, more intuitive, and more in alignment with Nirvana is only a better thought away. For me, it’s all about reaching for the better thought for all my dreams to come true……..including the one I have of staying a size 6,7!!! Because when I am tuned in, tapped in, turned on, I make better choices and if I do make a choice that society thinks is not a good choice ………….my factory just works better at taking what it need out of what I ate.. 

Feeling bad just cause my food factory not work as efficiently thus, not receiving the benefits it could be from what I am eating.

So here’s the bottom line for me, in all this, I need to make friends with my food, whatever I chose to eat. I need to never eat something in a place of believing I should not be eating it. If I am going to eat it, I need to make friends with it first.

What I find happening now that I have changed my thinking is my body seems to be acquiring a louder voice in telling me what she wants me to eat. And my body has always know what she wants to eat, I would just overrule it with my mind……that was usually infested with not so great thoughts…..thus leading me to want to eat and eat and eat

A good thought is just a beautiful picture away.

Last night I ate my dinner kind of early. Then everyone decided to go out to dinner. It was a situation where either I sat in the car while they ate or I went in and did not eat. But voices were telling me I had a third choice…..that I could have just a little something just this once. Now that would have been a good choice for another type of eater, but not a recovering food addict like me.

What was cool was while one voice was saying you can just do it just this once (and believe me I wanted to believe that voice) the voice of my fairy/angels were saying if you eat anything it will weaken and maybe break the “Magic Spell” that’s keeping you thin . And at that moment I could see clearly what would happen if I caved and ate anything. I could see that lying voice for what it was.

Here is a picture of my fairy/angels patiently waiting as I got it together.

So I then I got out of the car I put two diet rootbeers into my purse walked into the restaurant and drank them while I watch my 3 grandkids play with there dinner. (Novel concept playing with your food….I wish I had learned to do that with my food instead of cleaning my plate when I was young)